Guest Columnist
by
Michelle Jorgensen, M.D.
MeritCare Child and Adolescent Psychiatrist
Helping your child cope with death
Hard as we might try, sometimes adults just don't get it when it comes to children and grief. We might, for example, casually flush a dead goldfish down the toilet, thinking it's no big deal. But for the child who regarded that particular goldfish as a beloved pet, it can be heart-breaking. Or we might tell a young child death is just like "falling asleep for a long time," only to discover the child then has trouble falling asleep. Here are some general guidelines in response to questions parents often ask.
"When there's a death, how much should I tell my child?"
This depends in large part on the age and maturity level of your child. Generally speaking:
- Children under 5 years of age don't really comprehend death. To them, death means the person is just gone for a while, but will come back. Children this age do best with concrete, simple terms. If a person was ill or elderly, for example, you might say, "Grandpa got very, very sick and his body didn't work anymore and he died." If your religious beliefs include heaven, talk about heaven, too.
- Between the ages of 5 and 10, children begin to grasp the finality of death, but not necessarily its universal nature. They know death exists, but they don't comprehend it as something that could happen in their own world, affecting their own loved ones. Children this age deal best with accurate and honest explanations.
- Once kids reach 10, they have a better understanding of the finality of death. They realize all people and living things will at some time die. In communicating about death to this age group, it's important to be realistic about death and what it is. At this age, too, it's especially important to encourage questions and expressions of grief.
"How do I know if my child is grieving? How can I help?"
When adults grieve, we typically recognize it through crying, verbal expressions or maybe just silence. But with children, grief may look different. Most children under the age of 10 aren't able to verbalize the grief they're experiencing, so instead of saying, "I'm really sad that Grandma died," or "I miss my dog," they may have physical problems such as stomachaches, headaches, trouble sleeping, poor performance in school or regressive behaviors such as urine accidents. These problems, like grief, typically subside with time. If you don't see an improvement – a little in a couple weeks, a lot in three months – seek professional help so the grief doesn't move into long-term depression. And always, seek help immediately if the child talks about harming him/herself or wanting to be dead in order to be with the deceased person/pet. This call for help cannot be ignored.
Children of all ages benefit when they have an outlet for their grief. Parents can help by encouraging or joining the child in:
- Talking about the person or the pet
- Looking at photographs
- Writing a poem or drawing a picture
- Having a ceremony
- Planting a tree
- Making a memory book
"Do you think children should attend funerals?"
My opinion is yes – if they want to go – but if they would rather not, don't force them. And certainly if a child is going to a first funeral, it's important for the parent to prepare the child by talking about what the funeral will be like and what the child will see, particularly if there will be an open casket.
"What books would you recommend on the topic of death?"
Of all the books that deal with death, "Charlotte's Web" is one of the all-time great ones. It's an excellent book and I highly recommend it for family reading.
For more information about child and adolescent psychiatric services available at MeritCare, or to make an appointment, please call (701) 234-4141 or (800) 437-4010. Learn more about children's physical, mental and emotional needs at children.meritcare.com.
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