Guest Columnist
by Rich Preussler, L.P.C.C.
MeritCare Child and Adolescent Psychology
How to help children through a divorce
Going through a divorce." When you hear that phrase, you likely think of the two major players in a divorce — the husband and the wife. But if children are involved, the children, too, "go through a divorce." They pick up on the tension, worry about the changes and feel a keen sense of distress. Some may even feel their entire world is falling apart. Although every situation is different, it's important for families to prevent long-term turmoil by staying on a healthy path. The following general tips can help to ease the transition for all involved.
For parents
- Though difficult to do, try to keep your comments about the other parent neutral. Avoid subtle jabs — kids pick up on them and you risk putting your children in a loyalty bind. I have a firm belief that if children can love both parents, they'll adjust better.
- Work together with the other parent as much as you can. Get on the same page as far as rules, expectations and routines because this can help children cope with the many changes occurring.
- Try not to fight in front of your kids; they tend to get pulled into the middle, and that can be really stressful for them.
- Divorce affects multiple relationships. Your kids wonder who they'll live with, if they'll still see all their cousins and if they'll still be close to all their grandparents. Certainly not all questions can be answered immediately, but address them as soon as you can.
For children
- When you see your parents having problems, your tendency is to get nervous and wonder if you're to blame. You're not to blame.
- When you sense your parents aren't communicating, it might be tempting to take advantage of the situation. For instance, you might tell your dad that your mom always lets you eat ice cream at 11 at night, when in fact it isn't true. In the long run, putting one parent against the other does not give you any kind of advantage.
- If you are put in a "messenger" role between your parents, let them know you're not comfortable with this.
- Keep the lines of communication open with the other adults in your life — school counselors, teachers, etc. It's good to express your feelings (you're going to have a lot of them), figure out what you can change and what you can't change, and know that you're not alone.
For all adults in a child's life
- Listen and empathize. Don't jump too quickly into problem-solving mode because you'll miss an opportunity to connect emotionally with the child. Besides, the reality is there may be nothing you can do about the situation except listen and "be there" for the child.
- Sometimes just playing with the child — spending a little extra time with him or her on a consistent basis — goes a long way.
When to seek help
A divorce is distressing to a child, and some cope better than others. How can you tell when a child needs professional help? Indications include a major change in the child's functioning, such as academic performance or social activities. If a child stops doing activities that used to be enjoyable, stops wanting to go to friends' homes or shows a major attitude shift, you might want to consider professional help. A complicating factor for parents is they themselves are trying to get through their own emotional difficulties, and the energy and patience needed for parenting may be in short supply. I often encourage parents to get help for themselves. This, too, can help their children.
If you are currently getting divorced and would like to make an appointment for your child, yourself or your family, please call (701) 234-4171 or (800) 437-4010. Learn more about MeritCare Mental Health Services
Return to Front Page of Valley Health Journal.
Do you have comments or suggestions for Valley Health Journal? Email us.