Insight
from Val Farmer, Ph.D.
How to Raise Perfectly Good Children Imperfectly
Wouldn't it be marvelous to raise perfect children? The problem is that if you expect or want your child to be perfect, you'll actually interfere with their development. With children, the rulebook is less than clear. As parents, we have to improvise with each child and his or her individuality. By imposing too much pressure for accomplishment and obedience, parents create worry and fear. Childhood is a time to engage in a world of play, fantasy, wonder and learning. Children need to grow at their own pace and to form their own identity through exploration, and trial and error. Overanxious parents can accomplish more with their children by trying less. Here are some ways to have a more relaxed attitude about the most important thing you'll do in life:
- Unconditional love. Accept your children whether they succeed or fail. Don't withhold love as a punishment. Children need to know they are acceptable just as they are, not when they become what you want them to be.
- Reasonable expectations. Be aware of developmental stages. Take into account their individual interests, abilities and personalities. Each child has his or her own timetable for growth; encourage decision-making that matches their level of maturity. Children need reasonable outside limits to their behavior, and within that framework, they need to exercise ever-increasing control and influence over their lives.
- Mistakes are OK. It is acceptable to fail. Help your children understand that failing is part of being human. Enjoy their successes but be sure to support them through disappointment and failure. One way we learn in life is by making and correcting mistakes. Life is filled with small, steady steps toward goals.
- Children learn through play. Play is children's work, and is an important part of development. They need time to play, relax and have fun with friends.
Children need flexible time for activities of their own choice. Children are being over-programmed through structured play and skill development Ð old-fashioned fun is being squeezed out. Encourage spontaneous, inventive play and fantasy.
- Protect children from the harsh pressures of the adult world. They don't need to be exposed to marital conflict or be put in the middle of disputes about parenting. Don't engage them as an emotional confidant or use them as a surrogate parent for their siblings. Don't pass on needless stress and adult worries. Let children talk about their own worries and pressures.
- Talk about yourself. Children learn when parents share past struggles and imperfections as well as acknowledge current mistakes. Explain yourself to your children. They need to know why you feel and act the way you do. They need to hear about your childhood, your mistakes, your triumphs, what you've overcome, what you struggle with now, and the key experiences in your life. Being open about your imperfections helps your children accept themselves as they are also.
Your example counts. Live a balanced life. If you are a hard- driving, competitive perfectionist, don't be surprised if your children are as well. Above all, don't be a perfectionist when it comes to their lives. Your children will be perfectly fine if you raise them imperfectly.